Sandra Dugas... Merlene and Delvis

Honey, you need some help with your love life?
Or you got yourself this naggin' dream that needs interpretin'?

Well, I'm Merlene --
(that's my ugly brother Delvis... just pay him no mind)
--an' I been dishin' out advice for the last twenty years down at the Purls 'n Curls, and with this here internet, now I can help folks from all over.

So drop me a line and let me help you. Here's how you can reach me:

Delvis, wasn't that sweet o' Cousin Sandra to let me come on her website like this?
Bless her heart. She may only be half-southern,
but she makes up for it every now and again.

Y'all don't forget to email me, now!

An' speakin' of emails...


This here's a letter that just really touched my heart...		That's what you say about all the letters you get.
Shut up, Delvis

Dear Merline, Ordinarily I wouldn't write to a total stranger... especially someone of your, well, reputation... but I have to admit I'm desperate. I have a boyfriend (I'll call him Bob) that I've been dating steadily for eight years. He's a good looking guy, he's a very successful plastic surgeon and we get along great together. He cooks and cleans the house, he does the laundry, he's great in bed, he buys me expensive gifts all the time... in fact he bought me a new Porsche just last week. Anyway, everything between us is wonderful. The problem is we recently got a new garbage man and I think I'm in love. He's drop dead gorgeous. Long dark hair, gorgeous blue eyes, the cutest dimple when he smiles and a body to kill for. I met him when Bob forgot to take the cans to the street one morning. I had to run out in my nightie and slippers and that's when I met Carl. I know it was fate! I looked up as he was jumping off the back of the truck, our eyes met over a Hefty bag, and I haven't been able to get him out of my mind ever since. Did I mention he was gorgeous? Now every Tuesday and Thursday morning I get up and watch for the truck, then find some excuse to run out there... you know, like carrying out an empty soda bottle to put in the recycle bin. So here's my dilemma -- should I stay with Bob or take a chance on Carl? My friends and family think I'm nuts. My shrink says I'm just acting out some deep-seated fantasy. My best friend Daphne says I should stay with Bob and cheat. I've written to several other advice columnists and they all say I've lost my mind. Please help before I go completely crazy. Sincerely, Trashed in Pittsville


Lookee here, Delvis. See what she say's -- "someone of my reputation". Poor thing must be thinkin' I'm too successful to stoop to helpin' her out.
		Yeah, but she don't know you like I do.
Go on, be ugly. I know you're just jealous of my fame and fortune.
		Uh...what fortune... an' what fame? Oh yeah, I forget... you are the biggest gossip down at the Purls 'n Curls.
I'm *ignorin'* you. Dear Trashed... um... honey, you sure you want me to call you that? Trashed?
		If that's her name, Merlene, then that's what you got to call her.
It ain't like it's her real name, Delvis.
		An' just how would you know?
These folks don't tell us their real name, fool. They got stuff to hide, like runnin' around on their husbands and hidin' out in the closet... such as that. Now, where was I? Oh yeah... Dear Trashed... honey, I hear ya. Long dark hair, gorgeous blue eyes--
		Sounds like Aunt Tessie's spaniel.
Does not!
		Does so!
That dog has blond hair and brown eyes, not blue
		They look blue to me.
Well, maybe they wouldn't if you'd lay off the sour mash *once* in awhile...
		You're one to talk. What about that bottle o' *Jack Daniels* you keep in your curler drawer down at the salon?

Shut your mouth! That's hair tonic.		Uh huh. Hun'ert proof.

GETTING BACK to Miss Trash -- girl, you gotta listen to your heart. It don't matter what anyone else tells ya. If he's the one you love, then he's the one you gotta be with.
		Well, now, hold on there, Merlene. Didn't she say that other fella cooks and cleans? An' didn't he give her a Porsche? Them are expensive cars... fast, too. Can't haul much moonshine in 'em, but...
So? This other fella's a garbage man. He can bring her home all kinds of stuff.
		Yeah, I reckon that's so. Found me a new kitchen table at the dump. Have to prop up one leg, but other than that...
That's what I mean. Ain't like she ain't gonna be gettin' things. So, Miss Trash, like I said, what you got to do is follow your heart. Otherwise, you ain't never gonna be happy. That Bob fella sounds like a real prize, but that don't mean he's your prince. Sounds to me like your prince is a garbage man named Carl. So my advice is go for it honey! Just grab aholt and hang on for the ride! Woohoo! And one more piece of advice... go see that movie Whacked! by that cute fella Paul Sampson. I think Cousin Sandra's got a page up of him somewhere's around here...

		That damned Yankee... what'd you go and mention HIM for?
Cause he's handsomer than you and a good actor, that's why. And maybe his movie will help take her mind off her troubles. He sure enough takes my mind off my troubles.
		What mind? But you're right about one thing, it was a good movie. I especially like the part where he--
Shut up, Delvis! Some folks may not have seen it yet.
		Oh, sorry. Hey, Miss Trash, if you get a chance, ask Carl if he knows where I can find me some new dining room chairs.

Now Delvis, that's just plain tacky... askin' a client for a favor like that.
		No, it ain't.
Yes it is!
		You do it all the time.
I do not!
		Yes you do.
Do not!
		Do so!
Do not!
		Do, so!
Do not!...
		Do, so...